obsession

Ever wondered what would happen if you gave an utterly gutless pube of a man with no courage, integrity, self-respect, or morals the thing that he desires most in life? Well look no further than Obsession, a movie in which our hapless hero, an absolute flange of a bloke called Bear, uses the foul powers of magic to have the object of his desire fall head over heels for him.

As I said before, Bear is a serious drip, a flannel, a perpetually friend-zoned watcher of Bridget Jones movies. He’s a crybaby whose own cat wills itself to die rather than suffer another second of his incessant babblings about his crush, Nikki. A right silly trout whom Bear lusts over in secret without even having the decency to announce his desires to, Nikki can barely stand the sight of him unless she needs a lift. Even when he whinges to her about his brown-bread moggy, she just about manages to stifle a yawn.

WATCH OUT, BEYOND THIS POINT THERE BE SPOILERS

So after much fawning and yearning for Nikki from afar, after much time spent hunched double-pumping away madly at himself, Bear has a chance encounter with what Paulie Walnuts would describe as ‘satanic black magic, sick shit’. Bear buys a One Wish Willow from a tacky old junk shop, a seemingly innocuous gimmick item that somehow makes his sad little wish a reality.

Although at first he can’t believe his luck at finally getting to roll around with the bird he’s always fancied, his short-lived happiness soon gives way to something darker when he realises the willow has made Nikki act a bit strange. It’s turned her into a right scatty mare, the kind of totally obsessed, bunny-boiling mentalist that every bloke fears his bird could reveal herself to be at any moment. Nikki is a cat-cooking, face-smashing, door-taping harpy from hell whose entire existence seems to be maintained by her supernatural obsession with Bear, and there’s absolutely nothing he can do to stop her. Nikki sticks to him like a shit smear on a blanket. Be careful what you wish for, Bear quickly learns, because it might just fucking come true.

And does Bear rise to the challenge and face adversity head on like a true hero? Does he stride forth with courage to meet the jaws of the dragon? Does he bollocks. He folds like a deckchair. He crumbles like an excessively dunked rich tea biscuit and bottles it major-style, even when he discovers that the soul of Nikki lies imprisoned inside of her body in some sort of hellish limbo, helpless and powerless and forced to watch in mute horror as her physical form, possessed by an evil force beyond her control, runs around as mad as a lorry.

Bear sees the terrible trap that he’s put Nikki in, and rather than free her by putting her out of her misery, he instead flaps it and tops himself, which has to be one of the most profoundly selfish spectacles ever seen in film.

To summarise, Bear is a gutless tosser and the whole thing is his fault.